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Unkle Munky Pg 126
*Artist - The Tiny Masters of Today. *Song - Pop Charts. *Videos prone to removal. ---- Still Waiting... Have you decided yet, Munky!? Unkle Munky says -''' No. No not yet, Mary. This is a tricky conundrum and no mistake. I would recommend, on this occasion, that you hand over to Bungle at the News Desk. ''Ms. Motion Sickness replies - Oh for fucks sake...'' ---- Bungle's Barely News ---- The Big Book of Puke Maureen from Stoke asks - Dear Unkle Munky, Is it true that Barbara Streisand always pukes-up before a performance? 'Unkle Munky says -' Dear Maureen, I have consulted my 'Big Book of Puke' and can confirm that Ms. Streisand does indeed puke-up before performances. Members of the audience, on the other hand, often puke-up during said performances. I hope this has helped. ---- Munky's Fact File '''From Monday to Saturday The Pope works at a tyre & exhaust fitting centre in Leeds. The Pope is a big fan of Tinchy Stryder & is hoping to rap alongside him on a forthcoming single. The Pope was cautioned by the police in 2007 for 'Driving whilst under the heavenly influence of our Lord Jesus Christ'. The Pope's gown hides the fact that he is actually part cyborg. The Pope hates Sundays. The Pope, unlike Jesus Christ, failed his GCSE woodwork exam. The Pope-mobile can be driven on water. The Pope's other mobile is a Porsche. A lack of work recently forced The Pope's stunt double to declare himself bankrupt. The Pope believes that Jesus Christ's ability to walk on water made it impossible for him to bathe. *Factually incorrect at time of going to press. ---- Massage Concerns Lucy from Perth asks - Dear Unkle Munky, I have it on good authority that a massage parlour is due to open in my neighbourhood on the 1st of October. I was wondering if perhaps you could investigate this matter further with a view to voicing the concerns of local residents? Unkle Munky says -''' Dear Lucy, I have contacted the owners of said establishment and have also communicated your concerns. It is with some regret that I must inform you, however, that due to extensive building work, the previously stated opening date cannot be brought any further forward. Lucy replies - Oh for god's sake! We want it closing down, Munky! Not bringing forward! ---- UK Munky Gold Plus One '''17:00 Tony Blackburn’s Celebrity Challenge This week: Tony challenges Kerry Katona to fade gracefully from the media spotlight. 18:00 Chris Martin - ‘Christ Martin’ (Documentary) Coldplay frontman Chris Martin explains how he believes himself to be the second coming of Christ. 19:00 Tears for Spears This week Britney's legal team fight for the custody of her knickers. 20:00 Devon Knows I’m Miserable Now. This week: Sharon's dream of getting a tattoo hits a snag when the demands of her gigantic arse threaten to exceed Devonshire's entire ink reserve. *Special thanks to Wayne's Tattoo & Body Piercing centre. 21:00 Chav Wars! 22:00 Sign Off ---- Weather to Barbeque or Not? Glen from Canterbury asks - Dear Unkle Munky, I have organised a barbeque for this weekend and was wondering if you could give me a brief weather forecast? 'Unkle Munky says -' Dear Glen, My meteorological equipment is currently undergoing a much needed overhaul. I have therefore taken the liberty of privately emailing you a forecast from this time last year. Glen replies - What the fuc..? ---- On This Day in History It was on this day in 1995 that formerly mild mannered David Rogers suddenly developed Tourette’s Syndrome. “I remember it as if it were fuckin’ yesterday,” said David recently in an interview for - ‘Tourette’s Fuckin’ Fortnightly’. “…There I was, minding my own fucking business when, fuck me, I just started swearing like a cunt, all uncontrollable-like”. Asked if he could mind his language, David replied, “I would if I fuckin’ could, ya dickhead!” My initial shock at being spoken to in such a fashion was soon replaced by sympathy. This was surely the Tourette’s speaking, not David? I was later to discover, however, just how misplaced my sympathy had been. According to his mother (Mrs. Rogers) David was prone to occasionally abusing said condition. His observations concerning my dick-shaped head were very likely to have been voiced intentionally. Ahem. What a twat! ---- FA Cup? Taylor from Dundee asks - Dear Unkle Munky, What will happen when there is no longer room on the FA Cup for the engraved names of victorious teams? 'Unkle Munky says -' Dear Taylor, It would appear that talks are ongoing with regards to this conundrum and that the likely outcome will be the introduction of an FA Sugar Bowl. *''The new FA Sugar bowl pictured alongside the more familiar FA Cup.'' Taylor replies - What the fuc...? ---- Bungle's Barely News ---- Next... Previous... More Munky Here>>> Munky's Twitterings>>>